I want to win my sister the best gift ever!

My little sister of 8 years old and I get along really well, but with a 14 year age gap it is obvious that we don't necessarily have huge things in common. As much as I want to have fun with her, playing hide & seek, playing with dolls and all that kind of stuff just doesn't excite me anymore.

She is starting to get into gaming however, which is good news for me because I am an avid gamer. In fact, I feel pretty proud to see her gaming because it is tough place to survive in sometimes. Between sexist male gamers, the white knights who want to get laid and people assuming you play for attention, it can be tough to just have the fun you want to have and I would fight anyone who would say to her ANY of the things they have said to me.

As she gets further into the gaming world, as far as I have gone, I would like to be there to help her. I don't want to fight her battles for her, but I want to support her and help her build her character and show bravery in the face of adversity and getting her a computer that she doesn't have to fight for usage of with my father would be a great start. Not only will she have her own computer for fun, but also to do her school work because that is all starting to go digital.

That is why I am trying to win her the Samsung Chromebook from Laptop Ninja.
Wish me luck!

uggghhh family

So, I thought I would grab out the journals my Aunty wrote so I could write my opinions, feelings and what changed in me when I read certain words from it, but it is 11pm and my sister is asleep right across the hall so I cannot make too much noise and I would have to take A LOT of stuff down from my closet, so instead I will just write certain things from memory in the order they occurred.

Ever since I could remember my mother and I lacked a certain bond, which meant during my visits it sort of felt like I was visiting a bunch of strangers that I was related to and had to be with by force, even if I could have just said I never wanted to go. From memory I had told my dad that I wanted to stop going many times when I was old enough to think for myself and my dad never could quite understand why I would want to stop visiting. To my dad's side of the family I believe they saw a brighter and bubblier side of me that was loving and caring of everyone, especially family and that is a side I don't think my mum saw in me much. When she would come to pick me up it was like I would turn into a zombie, my face would become near emotionless while my insides permanently felt on the brink of crying and that was even though I was sitting in her car of MY driveway I felt like I was already miles away with no chance of return. Visiting her was like going to the Azkaban to be attacked by dementors.

The most recent I can remember is when she moved further away, towards the Central Coast. The car trips from my house were long, dull and where I had no escape of communicating when she spoke until I was in their home. The questions never changed "How's school?", "Good grades?", "How's *insert family member that wasn't usually my dad or step mum*?", I hardly ever remember her asking me about my interests to actually make an effort to get to know me. I was forced to go to sleep earlier than I would of at home, not that I really complained too much because I fell asleep and tried to stay asleep for as long as possible so I could ignore that the reality there was going on. Though falling asleep was difficult when her daughter was KICKING ME IN THE HEAD AND HARASSING ME!

I doubt my mother could have named one of my interests in anything. I felt like a lot of the time that I was just there to baby sit her children and not there to get to know my mother. I'd say about 6 months after I moved houses (A year or a bit after I stopped seeing my mum), my aunty came over and gave me the journals. It listed a lot of things that came as a shock to me.

The first I found out was that my mother had cheated on my dad. Now, yes my mother was young but she still shouldn't have done it. To me this made me view my mother as dirty and easy, which is something you should never think of your mother, but because of the terrible relationship I have with her and the strong bond I have with my father, it made me never want to see her again even if I hadn't seen her in two or so years already. To add to my shame of her, not only did she cheat but if I read correctly she cheated on my dad with her best friend's boyfriend, to me it looked even worse because I place a strong value on friendships and that made her look terrible in my eyes.

It mentioned that two weeks after this was revealed she went to Melbourne and she was gone not very long and when she returned she was no longer with her best friend's boyfriend but had met another man while she was there. The feelings I had for her while I was reading were that I was disgusted, I was like a disappointed parent hearing about the things their child got away with years ago. I believe she ended up marrying this man she met from Melbourne but I cannot remember.

Now because I am doing this from memory I cannot remember if this was before, between or after all these things happened, all I know is that it was during the separation while I was two (I think). My mother had decided to run away with me, to put me in a car with her and drive away and she called my dad as she was driving and said to him she had taken me. He was at work during the call and stopped what he was doing to call my grandmother as he cried on the phone to her telling her what had happened. My dad was distraught, he didn't want to lose me and as I am older I have discovered more why but that is a story for another day. My grandmother told him to come home and when he got home she told him "Give it a day or two and she will be bringing her home", knowing that my mother would not be able to handle herself with me alone. My dad on the other hand was more capable, had family to help him get through if need be and didn't have the family troubles that my mother had gone through. The stories of the trouble she had with family do make me feel sorry for her having such a difficult life and I know she never wanted to be to me like her mother was to her and although she never was like her mother to me, she never felt like my mother.

As my grandmother predicted I was brought home and my dad was furious. Though I don't remember if he acted upon this fury, but she ended up giving him custody of me on returning me back. This lead to me being in one home on weekdays so I could go to school without any confusion and I would visit my mother most weekends, which meant visiting then wasn't so horrible because she lived so close I didn't have to suffer as long but more often, yet I still never wanted to go. Eventually she moved further away and that meant having to go visit one week of every holidays and that was a lot longer amounts of torture but less frequent. I hated it.

To be continued...

Love from a not so happy, Natasha

look, this is why i'm me

I think I would like to do a blog about my life and my sister and I realise this may sound slightly odd because how much life experience could a seventeen year old have. My sister, she is three, yeah there is a fourteen year age gap between her and I, her coming into my life changed it significantly, but before I explain how I think I should tell you back story about my life. My parents are divorced and I don't know if my parents were together if the relationship between my mother and I would be any stronger, but to me the divorce is actually a blessing (I may go into more details about the divorce as time goes on, because I have read about things that happened since before I can remember from a journal my Aunty wrote for me).

As far as I know my mother was eighteen when I was born and two years after that my parents divorced, since then she has been remarried she has had three other kids after me and because I only ever went and visited my mum, I did not really grow up around these three kids and with every visit I would grow more dislike towards having to go. Now, I know some of you may think I was being a spoiled child at the time but don't be so quick to judge, I had to sleep in a room with the eldest and she used to kick me in the head while I was trying to go to sleep, I know she wanted to talk but I just wanted to sleep because I didn't want to be there. Not only that, but I would always be honest when I was asked who started a fight or who did something wrong because it wasn't like I had a sibling connection, they were kids I didn't get a long with and because of my honesty in these situations by the end of my one week stay they would tell me to "go home" and say "we don't like you and we don't want you here". Granted this was back when they were younger and so was I and currently my eldest sister is age thirteen  and the only brothers I have are currently age twelve and ten, so they must have somewhat grown up. It has been about two years since my last visit and even then it hasn't been a proper visit where I go by myself and stay for a week, the last visit was with my cousin and even then a night at my mother's felt like torture, and my last proper visit ended up with me calling my Aunty in the middle of the night to come pick me and calling my mother while she was at work telling her I was going home, I left the presents she had bought me there feeling like it would be really disrespectful and slack of me to keep them and she called me up and practically yelled at me for not taking them, since that day we haven't even called each other.

The story with my dad is a more positive one. He was, I believe twenty eight when I was born and since I was born we have always seemed to have a positive link, a bond that can never be broken, even though I don't remember I did read that I used to not want to leave my dad to visit my mum and my face would light up like the sun when I would return home to see my dad. Though I wasn't instantly under the custody of my dad, I have been under his care since the age of two, along with the help of my grandparents, my aunt and her husband/my uncle (now ex-husband though still an uncle to me because they were together for a LONG time). He has said that I am one of the reasons that him and my stepmother met, they were together eight years before they got married and I have a much stronger bond with my stepmother than I do my real mother. The strength of the bond between my dad and I is really quite strong, he has said that I am the reason he hasn't committed suicide and that if it wasn't for me there could be many times where he would have snapped, though it makes me sad to see that my dad feels like this, I am glad to know that I am so special to him.

Now, I think it took about 3-4 years after their marriage before my sister on my dad's side was born. I remember all the thoughts I had about her before she was born. A main one was "I don't want them to have a baby" and the only reason I thought this way was because I assumed she was going to be just like the siblings on my mum's side, I assumed she would make my life miserable and a living hell. Granted when I first saw Olivia I thought she was adorable and tiny and because I was there with my dad it made me feel like I wasn't going to disappear while the baby was at a young age. Eventually I fed her for the first time the day she came home and we got our first picture together.

Her character definitely grew on me and I love her dearly, the stories I have to share which is where I think my blog image will largely be heading towards. Though when I go to the shops with her, many people think I am her mother and I know that this isn't true but it is part of the reason I learned to ignore what other people think of you, because no matter what, you will be judged whether the claims are false or true. I learned to not hold my random and bold attitudes back and this is one of the many ways I grew as a person, I also know I will be great mother when I do decide to tie the knot and procreate with another human being.

Thanks for reading, love Natasha and Olivia :)